More myself?

A nice little thing has happened the past 2 weeks. I haven't had to take a single Ambien for the last 10 days. This is so odd because I've been on the stuff almost daily for the past year. Sometimes needing to take 2 pills. Particularly during the time I was laid off and it seemed like it was impossible to land a position. I knew once I started this new job that I probably didn't need it but it was hard to ween myself off, but after cutting back to half a pill, I've finally become comfortable with just falling asleep the good ole fashioned way. Its really a nice feeling to have, as any insomniac must know.

I guess it goes with the theme of recovery and the next stage of self discovery that I feel I've been experiencing this year. Recovering from the layoff and the old job that I didn't particularly like. Recovering from all the craziness of my old tennis coach. Discovering the ability to just trust myself more, and preparing myself mentally for the transition out of my twenties. I'm sure a lot of it is that I'm working again. I like the job. I like my boss. I want to do well in it. Its a feeling I haven't really had at work in a while.

Tennis is in an odd place for me at the moment. I've talked with a couple of the other tennis gays about what went down, but what I gleaned from the conversation was more insight into them and how they work than any new thoughts on the situation. And now I'm going to play for our league as part of a team heading up to LA in a couple weeks, at a level I haven't really competed at. I'll give it my best, but more than winning, I just want to enjoy the experience. Tennis has seemed so painful earlier in the year. Winning that doubles tourney was a nice way to turn it back around, but the experience caused a little loss of innocence...if you will. In any case, I've decided for myself that I'll just enjoy my time playing and focus on getting back in super shape and perhaps take lessons again with another coach when the time is right.

And speaking of getting in shape, I'm back in diet/gym super mode. I'm determined to be a hot 30 y/o =)

US Open is over....tennis gets boring again

Oh gawd...I'm burnt out over tennis at the moment. After winning that tournament, I've played 2 more in doubles. One we lost right before the final, and the other we lost first round against one of the guys we beat easily in the last final, though he had a newer, better partner. We were kickin their butt too, but alas didn't hold em off. My partner has been a lil on edge as well. I get the sense he's been playing too much, cuz he broke his racket during one of the last matches we played.

Anyways, the US Open was fun this year. Kim and Melanie and Serena...oh my! Serena to me had a ghetto moment....lol...but i'm so stealing that line "you better be fuckin right" for one of my matches cuz I know there have been some times......lol....i'll leave it at that.

Federer loses another close 5 setter...enh! Least he looked good. Not like he has anything left to prove anyways. Kinda wish Roddick had gotten further.

For me, I will probably take a little break from tennis after October. I gotta play team tennis, but I want to focus more on workin out and gettin back in shape in the last part of this year so I'll be ready for the next season, and next summer =)

And I'm finally feeling really comfy in my shoes at work. I'm not popping ambien every day like I was for the last year. Work is busy but not too busy. Pays well. Domain is interesting...and my boss doesn't drive me up a freakkin wall :) All in all, not too bad.

Oh how good it feels!

...to win my first Usta tournament. Regardless of what's happened with my old tennis coach, I always had the self belief that with the right partner I could win a doubles title and this past weekend validated that for me. I also got the opportunity to talk with a few people about whats happened with the whole coaching situation and try to find other folks I can consider. I suppose ultimately though I feel pretty sad about the way things ended. My coach was someone I looked up to and respected for their skill and I suppose anytime you work with someone who mentors you for a few years, its a bit unhappy to have to end that relationship. As a person though, I can't really say I respect his behavior in a lot of ways, and I certainly felt that the relationship was a toxic one for my confidence these past few months. So in the words of one of my friends, I've decided its time to move on. I'll take all that I've learned and just work on building it up. Its good self validation for me to take this step.

Looks like its time to move on

Bah! I'm done with this tennis coach. What kind of professional finds it quaint at all to embarrass one of their well paying customers of 3 years in front of total strangers. I don't need this shit, I've been a walking/talking/tennis playing billboard for his technical teaching prowess for quite a while now, but the mental costs are too high. Never an apology. Never not once will he apologize for anything other than feeding a ball out of reach and even that has the feeling of a well rehearsed line. So much drama...too much drama...and I don't freakin need it! Ugh!

Now enough of venting =)

Ooooh gay pride comes to town...

and so it was this past weekend in San Diego. The gays descend on town and the whole rainbow lights up Hillcrest. Me and the crew of course made it our duty to show up to the evening events but the ridiculous cover kept us at only a couple places. And this time we had help from some peeps from LA who made their way down. It also was the first time I decided to find out what a circuit party is "really" like. My only impressions of it have come from what others have told me and my own ability to imagine the worst based on pictures and videos and crap, e.g. drugs and shirtless drugged out white muscle boys galore dancing away high on E or meth or whatever and hooking up all to bring home their diseases....lol....or something like that. Anyways Popsicle was around and only 30 bucks so I figured why not. I'll stick to my vodka tonic and see what its like to be at a party that ends at 5am...eesh! Ultimately it ended up being pretty cool and ridiculously draining. I somehow thought I'd need to be out of my mind to enjoy the thing, so I drank just a teeny bit more than I probably should've...but not like "Vegas" drunk...haha! For starters, for 30 bucks I got a sense my money was actually going somewhere. The place was huge compared to most gay clubs. The fog machines were going full blast, so it never got too clear like it usually does. The light show was pretty good with the required laser and a huge LED screen behind the DJ. The DJ's mix blended pretty well and sat somewhere between dance pop mix with trancey stuff....good nonstop dancing shit. The gogo boys were ridiculously hot bodied, and the dance routines seemed better choreographed. And then the shirts came off...lol. Not only were there some way out there costumes in the place but I really wonder if some of these folks live only to workout and go party. Anyways a lot of hot bodies and a few not bodies in there as well. And people dance nonstop, and I did see some E dropping and seemed like some of the party folks knew each other from wherever, but it was no more ridiculous than what goes on at any other club most of the time. I left pretty burnt out at 3am. At that point I don't wanna be out anymore and I don't wanna take whats required to forget that...lol.

Also went to the festival which seemed smaller this year. Fewer vendors, fewer folks, smaller name performers. Kinda weird really. Gotta imagine the economy has a lot to do with that. I was really tired too so that didn't help me. Maybe the highlight of the weekend for me was hanging with my friends at Starbucks on University doing our own bitchy commentary as the parade of leftover gays walked down the street, and just catching up on things. Seems like thats always the case anyways.

Week 5

So far so good at work. Things are looking well. I'm adapting, learning interesting stuff. Things are moving forward, so that's nice. The economy is still crap though but I'm feelin pretty happy to be where I'm at considering all that's gone on the past year. Still kinda amazing to think that this little journey started off almost a year ago with an announcement of getting laid off and hunting for a job and getting offers and hiring freezes and yet another layoff and trips to vegas, picking up a roomie, new car, the tennis coach craziness, the lame boyfriend, the constant stream of youngins that followed, and now...for a brief moment...some peace. Maybe its more than coincidence that I saw the movie The Beach for the first time this weekend. That sense of escape...all wrapped in a big ball of a confusing plot...but chances are its just a coincidence.

And now here we are with Michael Jackson dead. Was a bad weekend for celebrities in general no? I dunno....in a lot of ways MJ died years ago. The physical transformations, his facial metaphors for the breakdown going on inside. So much of it seems like what is bound to happen to a man who can't possibly grow up. He was doomed so long ago it feels. But perhaps he is out of his misery.

On a happier note, I had a great realization this weekend that I've been playing tennis now for about 5 years since picking it up on the regular. Been a while since when I broke up with my first ex and started playing D level tournaments to this weekend where I was playing very good tennis with A and Open level opponents. Nice to see that tennis still provides the outlet I need when these crazy ass guys are doin their thing.

Back to work

Amazingly enough, Monday sees me back to work. Orientation at 645am. Good god! They clearly don't know my usual pattern. Looks like I'm gonna have to adjust to being a morning person. Which is actually fine with me. More details after this first day is over. So far though, I'm excited and nervous. And my god, Nadal lost today. Federer must win the French this year.