I would think I would be more focused on sleeping at this hour, but I dunno. I've been an evening person since college, and for me college is where it feels like my story begins. At least the story of me as I know myself now. I think back to 8 years ago when I was a senior in college, sitting in Boston crying my eyes out trying to come to terms with myself and being gay, and I don't know exactly how or why what happened to me back then did. But it was some random morning in January of 01 after I'd been up all night crying my eyes out, worried about going to hell or worried about losing the love of my family, or some other such thing after what was probably a good week or two of not being able to figure out an easy way to off myself (I mean really, straight people have no idea the mental hell that coming to terms with your own sexuality puts you through), that I made a timeline on some peice of printer paper lying around. The timeline was supposed to represent my life. The year 2001 was sitting smack in the middle of that page with a few milestones to the left, perhaps representing when I graduated or was baptized or started college. To the right was a long line into a cloud. The cloud representing life going forward. I had not the slightest idea what was out there, but that I was gonna be true to myself. I felt like I had discovered what faith meant in that moment...or as Hewbrews would call it "the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen". And in what must be the ultimate irony of that last sentence, it was then that I decided I was done with the church I was involved in, and decided to just live my life, for better or worse.
Not sure exactly why I got all reflective there, but probably had to do with stumbling on a box I put away back in Jan 04 after I had broken up with my first long term boyfriend. We were in a relationship for 2 and a half years, and it was my first serious relationship. For some reason I never threw that box away, but it housed a few momentos and tokens and letters and cards that I couldn't bring myself to throw away back then. I threw away a ton of clothes and some other stuff but kept the little box. In any case, I browsed through it earlier today and a few thoughts went across my mind:
- Wow, I was a really good lookin guy. Lol. And given that I'm in better shape now, I probably still look pretty decent. And man we were cute together. I know some of my friends might not have thought he was "all that"...but we were a cute couple.
- And then of course I had to realize what a different person I was back then. Not wholly different, but a person of different experiences and thoughts. There was a nice innocence to it all then. Today I see the same person but more....ummm..."forged" if you will.
I think it's good to look back to then, before the condo, and the huge ass tv, and the bimmer, and the most recent ex, and the most recent fucks, and everything else...lol. Particularly in light of whats goin on now and having to hunt for a job and continue building this lil career of mine and writing out the story of my life. Sometimes feels like that U2 song "Faraway, so close...". Oh wait!....I think the grey goose is wearing off. =)
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